What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
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Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
All excellent questions
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.