Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
You Might Also Like
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.