i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
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European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this