Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace