When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it