Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids