“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I love it all
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.