[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
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Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
A short story about romance.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed