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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.