How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is