this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
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Ironic
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374