me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I wish this was real life…
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit