They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
And now we wait
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.