Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.