– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Yes, but it was never about money
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.