*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
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pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I hate my earbuds.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare