I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
That’s classic.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My inexpensive home security system…
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
How actors in movies eat their food