A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide