Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My life coach traded me.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’m listening
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.