Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
#oldknees
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.