If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane