Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
🤣dope
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.