[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?