Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
When someone trying to leave me
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir