Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You Might Also Like
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.