What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.