I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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The photographer’s assistant
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Easy enough.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew