You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Uh oh…
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”