I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
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Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.