[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
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I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
This is what makes twitter great
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal