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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Always the camel, never the toe.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Anyone really
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign