i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Phones down.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.