Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
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MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.