I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.