My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…