*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’m about to risk it all
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.