‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Husband of the year 😂
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams