When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
The real reason evolution started..😂
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
oh my gosh!!
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.