Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.