For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’d … I’d rather not.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.