Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO