me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes