When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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catch me on valentine’s day like
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Sing it!
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you