Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.