If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.