Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
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when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Cat.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Someone just threatened to call me later
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.