Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now