Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Harsh but fair
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.