I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
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Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
😎 🍻