If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
…u ok Nintendo?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving